Acceptance - Are we there yet?

It's been over two years now since our lives were turned up-side-down - two years of learning, adapting, struggle, sorrow, fear, confusion...and eventually - acceptance - and peace. Finally we feel 'regular' again - just like we did in the days before Liam's birth before we were swept up into this flurry of the unknown.


I still to this day follow blogs of other moms living lives with special needs children - and I still find myself wiping away tears as I read the words that so often mirror my very own thoughts. But more and more each day just feels 'normal'. Really?


We just returned from a routine eye exam in Detroit with Dr. Trese. For some reason I always feel drained - physically and especially emotionally after I return home from those appointments. I feel deflated. These appointments remind me that Liam IS blind and as his mom, his protector, his biggest advocate, there is NOTHING I can do to change it. As though all the acceptance I've built up in the months between appointments is somehow washed away when I sit in Dr. Trese's waiting area and I'm forced to listen to the stories of mom's who are 'just devastated' about their son/daughter with limited vision in ONE eye. I know that to that mom YES it must have been devastating to hear your child is blind in ONE eye - but - they WILL read print, they WILL drive, they WILL nagivate without a cane, they WILL see the resemblance between themselves and their siblings, they WILL know colours and watch the leaves change in fall, they WILL see the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and watch the sun rise and set - they WILL see your face and know you are there in a crowd of people just by catching a quick glimpse from far across the room.


Just when I think I'm there - that I've 'accepted' that my baby is blind and there is nothing I can do to change it - boom - I'm overwhelmed with grief again - waking in the middle of the night with an overwhelming ache in my heart.


So - are we there yet? Well, the denial/semi-suicidal days are a distant memory...but as for complete acceptance - I think I have a way to go yet.